Ms. Lane If You’re Nasty

Tonight’s episode of “Supergirl” features the first proper introduction of my sometime, not really girlfriend, Lucy Lane, into the mythos of the show and I hope they get it right. By “right” I mean not at all accurate because the truth is embarrassing.

Which type of "Mean Girl" is this again?

That was my fanciest purple dinner robe.

You see, I don’t like myself when I’m around Lucy. I honestly don’t know how anyone could like me around Lucy.

Oh, Grod, please get this foot out of my mouth.

Stop talking, Jummy. Just please stop talking.

Or like Lucy for that matter. Really, she’s a horrible person.

See?

No, really. She’s terrible.

She’s vain, selfish, materialistic, and fickle, constantly blowing off plans with me so she can go out with someone else.

Isn't she sweet?

Ain’t she sweet?

Oh, and she’s a nasty, ungrateful, gold-digging elitist. Imagine a human being as if they had been written by a couple of misogynistic dudes during the 1950s and that’s Lucy.

If I make her like me then maybe I'll have worth!

It bears repeating…GRRRR!

You’ve probably figured out that she’s Lois Lane’s sister (those Lane’s love their alliteration). She’s also a Flight Attendant which she apparently feels is comparable to flying around with an invincible man-god from another planet.

The Superman Museum is usually a great first date...and free every first Wednesday of the month!

The Superman Museum is usually a great first date…and it’s free every first Wednesday of the month!

The first time we met I finagled a double date with Lois and “Clark.” I use the term “date” loosely (it was more of a “group hang” that I paid for). We went to the Superman Restaurant. You remember that chain of mid-scale family dining where the balding waiters had to dress like Superman? Thank Grod those went out of business.

It was better than "Sizzler" at least.

It was better than “Sizzler” at least.

She was clearly not interested and wanted to cancel our next date to go out with some ” Famous Rodeo Stars.” Is that a thing?

Yes, "Clark" used his super-hearing to invade her privacy to get me this information.

Yes, “Clark” used his super-hearing to invade her privacy to get me this information.

The only way I can get her attention is if I get over her, move on, and start dating a gorgeous and/or giant alien space lady.

Physical attraction? √ Common Interests (i.e. me)? √ Both 200 foot Colossuses? MOST IMPORTANT.

Physical attraction? √ Common Interests (i.e. me)? √ Both 200 foot Colossuses? MOST IMPORTANT.

Oh, THEN she gets interested.

Yeah, you look into it, lady.

Yeah, you look into it, lady.

So why do I put up with it and keep coming back for more? Well, clearly I like a challenge. Also, I’m a glutton for punishment I guess… and perhaps judge my own self worth by how others see me. If I can make this terrible person be nice to me then I must be something special!

I called her as soon as I got home.

I called her as soon as I got home.

 

 

 

Lies Superman Told Me

We all lie. Sometimes out of empathy, other times vanity or shame. Not all lies are necessarily sinister but when your best friend lies to you ALL THE TIME maybe you should consider if they’re really a friend…

One of Superman's hilarious psychological pranks!

One of Superman’s hilarious psychological pranks!

Last time, I suggested Superman may have been lying when he said I was once his babysitter on Krypton but didn’t remember it because I’d lost my memory when traveling back to my own time and planet. What reason would I have to doubt Superman’s veracity? He’s my best friend, right?

jimmymeetssm

The problem is over the years I’ve discovered Superman lies. A lot.

See.

Foam rubber is super convincing.

Often he lies because he’s fighting a mind reader and can’t trust my super-weak brain not to have my thoughts read. More often, he just doesn’t trust my acting ability and doesn’t let me in on his plan so that I will perform realistically.

No, really. Rubber masks really are super-realistic.

No, really. Rubber masks are very effective disguises.

Sometimes he will lie to teach me a “lesson.” Like the time I lost my voice and some hunters mistook me for a “Jungle Boy” and “Clark” pretended not to recognize me.

I sure did learn my lesson about shirking guard duty that day!  Sure did learn my lesson about shirking guard duty that day!

Other times, the reasons are less clear. One time, he, Lois, Perry White and everyone in my life got together and acted like they didn’t know me.

These people are supposed to be my friends.

These people are supposed to be my friends.

That’s right. THEY PRETENDED LIKE I DIDN’T EXIST.

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It’s like “It’s A Wonderful Life” but without me wishing I never existed and with lying instead of magic.

Why would my friends psychologically torture me? FOR MY OWN GOOD, OF COURSE.

Hopefully, we don't drive him insane.

By far Superman’s biggest and most dangerous lie is his secret identity. He lies about who he is to the entire world. He claims it’s to protect his loved ones, which makes sense. If his enemies knew who he was they could go after his friends and family. So why not tell your friends and family said secret identity? He uses the same argument: it’s for our safety.

Whatever you say, Superman! You know best!

Whatever you say, Superman! You know best!

Here’s the thing though: I’m already a target. The entire world knows me as Superman’s “Best Boy Pal.” Lois Lane is allegedly his girlfriend of sorts. The world knows this. Bad guys know this. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been kidnapped, attached, brainwashed, or given a computer brain by Superman’s nemeses.

Say what you want about Brainiac but he is WORKING those short shorts!

Say what you want about Brainiac but he is WORKING those short shorts!

In fact, he would rather put my life in jeopardy with his lies than have me know who he is. Like that time he made me think I could fly with magic wings.

Superbreath is supergross.

Superbreath is supergross.

Or that time he made me think I could breathe under water.

You're right. This is much easier than letting me know who you are.

You’re right. This is much easier than letting me know who you are.

"Okay, thanks for giving me the bends, a-hole."

“Okay, thanks for giving me the bends, a-hole.”

Oh, sure, he recently told me who he really was after seventy-five years (I pretended like I didn’t already know).

How long before this gets erased from my memory?

How long before this gets erased from my memory?

Why the secrecy? Here I can only speculate but I can tell you the thought that’s popped up in my head more than once over the years, the thought that I’ve told myself couldn’t possibly be true: He’s not my friend. He doesn’t trust me. I’m actually a decoy. Just like Batman dressing up his teenage partner is bright red and yellow to jump around rooftops on school nights, I am there to distract criminals from going after whoever Superman really cares for.

Time for a new Robin, I guess.

Time for a new Robin, I guess.

It makes a disturbing amount of sense and would explain why he might seek out an unworldly, naïve teenager with no family or friends and tell him an amazing story about how said teen saved his life when he was a baby and he was going to reward him with his friendship. It would also explain why he wants to keep me alive. If I get killed, he’ll have to find a replacement.

Then again, he’d still have Lois.

I Spanked Superman

Let’s talk about Superman. I promised in an earlier post to tell you how he and I first met and last night’s episode of the fictionalized television series “Supergirl” seems like as good of a jumping off point as any.

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The episode introduced my Superman Signal Watch into the mythos of the series. For those of you who don’t know, the Superman Signal Watch is a watch that…uh…signals Superman (I guess maybe you could have figured that out on your own). It also keeps reasonable time. At least mine does. Not sure about the one on the show.

It's no Apple Watch.

It’s no Apple Watch.

The story of how I got this watch is the story of how Superman and I first met. It’s also a little unsettling.

Adventures in Babysitting

Adventures in Babysitting

And yes, there will be spanking.

I was eighteen years old, an impressionable teen with a bad case of hero-worship for the Man of Steel, and had just moved to Metropolis to make a go of it in the big city. I had no friends, no family, and no job. In short, I was a perfect mark.

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Looking for some quick cash, I answered an ad to let a complete stranger use me as a Guinea pig for a dangerous and untested science experiment (it wouldn’t be the last time).

This was totally in his garage.

This was totally in his garage.

The time machine takes me to the planet Krypton before it blew up where I promptly make a traffic violation in my time machine and go on the run from the Kryptonian police.

The tiny Kryptonian flying around in the top hat for the win.

The tiny Kryptonian flying around in the top hat for the win.

Also, I can totally read and understand Kryptonese because I’m a huge nerd and figured it out by reading a book.

Kryptonian Entitlement Programs. No wonder their planet exploded.

Kryptonian Entitlement Programs. No wonder their planet exploded.

Taking advantage of Kryptonian Socialism, I get some Kryptonian clothes and quickly insinuated myself into the El family’s life by using the combined powers of lying and inexpensive child care.

Kryptonians don’t require background checks or immunization records to take care of their babies.

Yes, I could have caused a disruption in the space/time continuum but when else was I going to babysit Superman?

Children in restaurants are the same everywhere.

They say never meet your heroes. I’d add never babysit them either. Baby Kal-El was an insufferable super-brat and in my inexperience I turned to corporal punishment (I told you there would be spanking).

Kryptonian Fred MacMurray at the other table is totally judging my parenting skills.

I sort of lost baby Superman for a while but it all worked out in the end.

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Well, except for Lara and Jor-El still dying along with everyone else on Krypton.

Now here comes the unsettling part (aside from the deaths of billions of Kryptonians). When I arrived back in my time I had no memory of the trip at all. It was as though the time machine had been a failure.

Wait. My payment was contingent on you selling your patent???

Wait. My payment was contingent on you selling your patent???

In fact, I never would have known about it at all if Superman (a complete stranger to me) hadn’t shown up and told me all about it.

Um...don't I get a choice here?

Um…don’t I get a choice here?

He told me the story using his “Super-memory” to remember his baby time, informed me we would be pals, got me a job working in the same building as a dude named “Clark” (he knows we all know, right?), and gave me the signal watch (he’s never given one to Lois BTW).

It's weird that I have one and she doesn't, right?

It’s weird that I have one and she doesn’t, right?

And that’s how I met Superman…through a time travel paradox I can’t remember and have to take his word for. I didn’t question it at the time because he was Superman. He stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way, right (despite coming from Socialist Krypton)? But if there’s one important thing I’ve learned over the years it is this: SUPERMAN LIES.

I’ll tell you more about it next time.

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