Superman’s Robot Slaves

I’ve established in previous posts that Superman is a liar, a creep who pimps out his cousin to dudes with werewolf curses, and a misogynist who regularly assaults women. He also has an army of robot slaves.

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!

Superman has gone to great lengths over the years to protect his “secret” identity (he knows we all know, right?). One time, he kidnapped an air force pilot suffering from amnesia and forced him to go on national television pretending to be Clark Kent so he and Superman could be in the same room at the same time.

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Uh…you know we know what “Clark” looks like, right?

Don’t worry. Superman totally gave the guy his memory back…by making him dizzy?

Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service.

He’s also employed other cunning ruses involving rubber masks, dummies, and “super-ventriloquism” over the years before somehow getting smart enough to build life-like super-powered duplicates of himself  programmed to call him “master.”

We know right from wrong! But do not recognize the irony of calling you "master," Master!

We know right from wrong! But do not recognize the irony of calling you “Master,” Master! Also, no one say anything about the naked robot.

Did I mention he keeps his robots in his closet?

a) I'd kill for this much closet space. b) I don't need to point out the closeted metaphor, right?

a) I’d kill for this much closet space. b) I don’t need to point out the metaphor, do I?

Also, they were self-aware, sentient beings with with wants and needs.

Uh...maybe lock the bathroom door next time, Superman-T.

Uh…maybe lock the bathroom door next time, Superman-T.

They can also do neat robot tricks.

Fully posable!

Fully posable!

Even if they do have a few design flaws…

Bit of an over-reaction, don't you think, "Clark?"

Speak American, Superman!

Superman also made a bunch of weird ones that obviously aren’t him and are thus useless in protecting his secret identity.

These ones are HIGHLY collectable.

These guys are HIGHLY collectable.

He also told all the people most likely to guess who he is about the existence of these robots, thus further defeating their alleged purpose in helping keep his identity secret.

Spoiler alert: he's not dead.

Spoiler alert: he’s not dead.

It’s almost as if he’s not really trying that hard to protect his secret identity after all.

Really? You're going with yellow for the bedroom?

Really? You “forgot” that painters are redecorating your rooms? Also, you’re going with yellow for the bedroom?

Could it be Superman’s public insistence on using his robot slaves to protect his identity is yet another elaborate lie designed to misdirect us from the truth that he is amassing a robot army with which to enslave the world?

I know he has a saviour complex but the Super-Pope hat is a bit much.

I know he has a saviour complex but the Super-Pope hat is a bit much.

I know what you’re thinking: if Superman wanted to enslave the world he could. And sure, he probably could. But in order to rule, he’d need governors in every country to carry out his will. Who better than robot slaves made in your own narcissistic image, incapable of rising up against you?

The Burger King lining on the cape is a nice touch.

The Burger King lining on the cape is a nice touch.

Luckily for us, fate has thwarted Superman’s plans.

Superman Robot kick line!

Superman Robot kick line!

Pollution, overpopulation, and man-made radiation have…uh…somehow rendered the Superman robots inoperable. Thanks, Obama.

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?

 

 

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