Superman’s Robot Slaves

May 16, 2016 by Jimmy Olsen

I’ve established in previous posts that Superman is a liar, a creep who pimps out his cousin to dudes with werewolf curses, and a misogynist who regularly assaults women. He also has an army of robot slaves.

Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!

Superman has gone to great lengths over the years to protect his “secret” identity (he knows we all know, right?). One time, he kidnapped an air force pilot suffering from amnesia and forced him to go on national television pretending to be Clark Kent so he and Superman could be in the same room at the same time.

Uh…you know we know what “Clark” looks like, right?

Don’t worry. Superman totally gave the guy his memory back…by making him dizzy?

Thank you for your service.

He’s also employed other cunning ruses involving rubber masks, dummies, and “super-ventriloquism” over the years before somehow getting smart enough to build life-like super-powered duplicates of himself programmed to call him “master.”

We know right from wrong! But do not recognize the irony of calling you “Master,” Master! Also, no one say anything about the naked robot.

Did I mention he keeps his robots in his closet?

a) I'd kill for this much closet space. b) I don't need to point out the closeted metaphor, right?

a) I’d kill for this much closet space. b) I don’t need to point out the metaphor, do I?

Also, they were self-aware, sentient beings with with wants and needs.

Uh…maybe lock the bathroom door next time, Superman-T.

They can also do neat robot tricks.

Fully posable!

Even if they do have a few design flaws…

Bit of an over-reaction, don't you think, "Clark?"

Speak American, Superman!

Superman also made a bunch of weird ones that obviously aren’t him and are thus useless in protecting his secret identity.

These guys are HIGHLY collectable.

He also told all the people most likely to guess who he is about the existence of these robots, thus further defeating their alleged purpose in helping keep his identity secret.

Spoiler alert: he’s not dead.

It’s almost as if he’s not really trying that hard to protect his secret identity after all.

Really? You're going with yellow for the bedroom?

Really? You “forgot” that painters are redecorating your rooms? Also, you’re going with yellow for the bedroom?

Could it be Superman’s public insistence on using his robot slaves to protect his identity is yet another elaborate lie designed to misdirect us from the truth that he is amassing a robot army with which to enslave the world?

I know he has a saviour complex but the Super-Pope hat is a bit much.

I know what you’re thinking: if Superman wanted to enslave the world he could. And sure, he probably could. But in order to rule, he’d need governors in every country to carry out his will. Who better than robot slaves made in your own narcissistic image, incapable of rising up against you?

The Burger King lining on the cape is a nice touch.

Luckily for us, fate has thwarted Superman’s plans.

Superman Robot kick line!

Pollution, overpopulation, and man-made radiation have…uh…somehow rendered the Superman robots inoperable. Thanks, Obama.

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?

Jimmy Olsen: “I am NOT dead.”

March 26, 2016 by Jimmy Olsen

“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

— Me (Also, Mark Twain)

WARNING: “Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice” SPOILERS(Although it happens in the first fifteen minutes and every major entertainment blog has reported on it so maybe it’s not???)! You have been warned…

I had been on the fence about whether or not to see the new Batman/Superman movie assaulting popular culture this weekend. On the one hand, I had heard I was a character in the film played by Scoot McNairy (false) and felt a narcissistic obligation to see how I was portrayed.

McNairy a truth to Scoot Jimmy reports.

On the other hand, the entertainment budget of a cub reporter is small and I knew this movie was probably not going to be made for me after seeing Zack Snyder’s “Man of Steel.”

Superman pokes Batman in the teeth and the movie’s over, right?

Well, thankfully, Entertainment Weekly broke a story that helped me make my decision: I get shot in the head by an African warlord within the first reel of the film because I am an undercover CIA agent.

Uh… guess I’ll be seeing “Zootopia?”

Zack Snyder explains why he shot me in the head like this: “We just did it as this little aside because we had been tracking where we thought the movies were gonna go, and we don’t have room for Jimmy Olsen in our big pantheon of characters, but we can have fun with him, right?”

I don’t know what’s more disturbing: that I am murdered as an “aside” or that Mr. Snyder views this as “fun.”

I enjoy killing people!

I get it. I don’t fit into this version of the DC Comics universe. Usually, filmmakers use me as an audience surrogate for young children to relate to, the kid who idolizes Superman and wants to be him.

Marc McClure rocking the gee whiz look.

Or as the super sexy man candy.

Totally valid interpretation of me. Also, totally valid interpretation of how to wear a t-shirt.

But since these movies clearly aren’t being made with children in mind and since no one in their right mind would want to be this version of Superman it makes sense not to use me in the story.

“I want to break Zod’s neck for Halloween, mommy!” — all the kids

But to unceremoniously blow my brains out instead of, say, not having me in the movie at all? I would say, “I bid you good day, sir,” but I have more to say on the matter.

Behold! The Dawn of Jimmy’s Justice!

First, let me reassure you, gentle reader, I’m totally not dead. I have not been executed by an African warlord. I’m fine. Really. In fact, I’m not even named in the theatrical cut of the movie. The only way you know it’s me was if you read the credits. But even then things aren’t always what they seem.

I love Batman doing a face slap here.

Take for example the time Robin and I fooled Batman and Superman into thinking we were dead.

I’m assuming they at least make a huge statue in honor of me in the movie, right?

That probably what’s going on here.

Say what you will about the Joker, it is not easy to write clearly on clothing.

Robin faked his death at the hands of the joker, disguised himself as an African warlord, and shot a magic gun at me that released a hallucinogenic drug that made Lois Lane think I was killed. What’s that? You don’t think white boy Dick Grayson can successfully disguise himself as an African warlord???

Uh…moving on.

There is some truth to the fact that I am an undercover super-spy but if I was truly in trouble I could have used some of my super-duper gadgets to kick some African warlord ass.

What’s that? You want to shoot me in the head? Okay, just lean in and check out my super cool lapel…Ha! Lasered you!

In any case, relax. If Warner Brothers ever gets their act together with their movie universe and decides to make a movie with “room” for me or Dick Grayson we can still come out to play.

How it should have ended: with Robin and me staring mindlessly at the Bottle City of Kandor.

In any case, thank you, Zack Snyder, for providing me the opportunity to write about your movie without having to spend the money to go see it.

Alonzo Scarns, Worst Housewarming Gift Giver Ever

ALSO, YOU SHOT ME IN THE HEAD AS A FUN ASIDE???

Ms. Lane If You’re Nasty

November 23, 2015 by Jimmy Olsen

Tonight’s episode of “Supergirl” features the first proper introduction of my sometime, not really girlfriend, Lucy Lane, into the mythos of the show and I hope they get it right. By “right” I mean not at all accurate because the truth is embarrassing.

Which type of "Mean Girl" is this again?

That was my fanciest purple dinner robe.

You see, I don’t like myself when I’m around Lucy. I honestly don’t know how anyone could like me around Lucy.

Oh, Grod, please get this foot out of my mouth.

Stop talking, Jummy. Just please stop talking.

Or like Lucy for that matter. Really, she’s a horrible person.

No, really. She’s terrible.

She’s vain, selfish, materialistic, and fickle, constantly blowing off plans with me so she can go out with someone else.

Ain’t she sweet?

Oh, and she’s a nasty, ungrateful, gold-digging elitist. Imagine a human being as if they had been written by a couple of misogynistic dudes during the 1950s and that’s Lucy.

If I make her like me then maybe I'll have worth!

It bears repeating…GRRRR!

You’ve probably figured out that she’s Lois Lane’s sister (those Lane’s love their alliteration). She’s also a Flight Attendant which she apparently feels is comparable to flying around with an invincible man-god from another planet.

The Superman Museum is usually a great first date...and free every first Wednesday of the month!

The Superman Museum is usually a great first date…and it’s free every first Wednesday of the month!

The first time we met I finagled a double date with Lois and “Clark.” I use the term “date” loosely (it was more of a “group hang” that I paid for). We went to the Superman Restaurant. You remember that chain of mid-scale family dining where the balding waiters had to dress like Superman? Thank Grod those went out of business.

It was better than “Sizzler” at least.

She was clearly not interested and wanted to cancel our next date to go out with some ” Famous Rodeo Stars.” Is that a thing?

Yes, “Clark” used his super-hearing to invade her privacy to get me this information.

The only way I can get her attention is if I get over her, move on, and start dating a gorgeous and/or giant alien space lady.

Physical attraction? √ Common Interests (i.e. me)? √ Both 200 foot Colossuses? MOST IMPORTANT.

Oh, THEN she gets interested.

Yeah, you look into it, lady.

So why do I put up with it and keep coming back for more? Well, clearly I like a challenge. Also, I’m a glutton for punishment I guess… and perhaps judge my own self worth by how others see me. If I can make this terrible person be nice to me then I must be something special!

I called her as soon as I got home.

Lies Superman Told Me

November 19, 2015 by Jimmy Olsen

We all lie. Sometimes out of empathy, other times vanity or shame. Not all lies are necessarily sinister but when your best friend lies to you ALL THE TIME maybe you should consider if they’re really a friend…

One of Superman’s hilarious psychological pranks!

Last time, I suggested Superman may have been lying when he said I was once his babysitter on Krypton but didn’t remember it because I’d lost my memory when traveling back to my own time and planet. What reason would I have to doubt Superman’s veracity? He’s my best friend, right?

jimmymeetssm

The problem is over the years I’ve discovered Superman lies. A lot.

Foam rubber is super convincing.

Often he lies because he’s fighting a mind reader and can’t trust my super-weak brain not to have my thoughts read. More often, he just doesn’t trust my acting ability and doesn’t let me in on his plan so that I will perform realistically.

No, really. Rubber masks really are super-realistic.

No, really. Rubber masks are very effective disguises.

Sometimes he will lie to teach me a “lesson.” Like the time I lost my voice and some hunters mistook me for a “Jungle Boy” and “Clark” pretended not to recognize me.

Sure did learn my lesson about shirking guard duty that day!

Other times, the reasons are less clear. One time, he, Lois, Perry White and everyone in my life got together and acted like they didn’t know me.

These people are supposed to be my friends.

That’s right. THEY PRETENDED LIKE I DIDN’T EXIST.

It’s like “It’s A Wonderful Life” but without me wishing I never existed and with lying instead of magic.

Why would my friends psychologically torture me? FOR MY OWN GOOD, OF COURSE.

Hopefully, we don't drive him insane.

By far Superman’s biggest and most dangerous lie is his secret identity. He lies about who he is to the entire world. He claims it’s to protect his loved ones, which makes sense. If his enemies knew who he was they could go after his friends and family. So why not tell your friends and family said secret identity? He uses the same argument: it’s for our safety.

Whatever you say, Superman! You know best!

Here’s the thing though: I’m already a target. The entire world knows me as Superman’s “Best Boy Pal.” Lois Lane is allegedly his girlfriend of sorts. The world knows this. Bad guys know this. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been kidnapped, attached, brainwashed, or given a computer brain by Superman’s nemeses.

Say what you want about Brainiac but he is WORKING those short shorts!

In fact, he would rather put my life in jeopardy with his lies than have me know who he is. Like that time he made me think I could fly with magic wings.

Superbreath is supergross.

Or that time he made me think I could breathe under water.

You’re right. This is much easier than letting me know who you are.

“Okay, thanks for giving me the bends, a-hole.”

Oh, sure, he recently told me who he really was after seventy-five years (I pretended like I didn’t already know).

How long before this gets erased from my memory?

Why the secrecy? Here I can only speculate but I can tell you the thought that’s popped up in my head more than once over the years, the thought that I’ve told myself couldn’t possibly be true: He’s not my friend. He doesn’t trust me. I’m actually a decoy. Just like Batman dressing up his teenage partner is bright red and yellow to jump around rooftops on school nights, I am there to distract criminals from going after whoever Superman really cares for.

Time for a new Robin, I guess.

It makes a disturbing amount of sense and would explain why he might seek out an unworldly, naïve teenager with no family or friends and tell him an amazing story about how said teen saved his life when he was a baby and he was going to reward him with his friendship. It would also explain why he wants to keep me alive. If I get killed, he’ll have to find a replacement.

Then again, he’d still have Lois.

I Get Fired A Lot

November 4, 2015 by Jimmy Olsen

It’s weird seeing yourself portrayed on a fictional television show. Not getting-fire-breath-after-drinking-a-science-potion weird (happens more than you’d think) but, you know, weird nonetheless.

Anyone want a hamburger? I cooked them with my breath!

Anyone want a hamburger? I cooked it with my breath!

For example, this week’s episode of “Supergirl” featured a storyline where Mehcad Brooks’ Jimmy Olsen is in danger of getting fired from his job at CatCo for failing to use his Superman “bro hang” connection to get an exclusive interview with Supergirl, causing Mehcad-Jimmy to have Big Thoughts about Life and his place in it.

WHY IS LIFE SO HARD???

Now my job at the Daily Planet has been in jeopardy plenty of times. In fact, I’m almost perpetually in a state of being threatened with being fired, actually getting fired, being rehired, getting fired again, or quitting to join the circus (no really, I’ve joined the circus more times than anyone I know).

See?

One time I grew four extra arms and my union rep told Perry White he needed pay me for doing the work of three people or let me go. Can you guess what Perry decided on?

Unions, am I right?

Another time I got fired for dealing out some sick burns to that big old jerk Superman. Totally worth it.

Ha ha! Suck it, Snooperman!

I told them I was under the influence of an alien emotion opposting crystal life form.

I told them I was under the influence of an alien emotion oppostite-ing crystal life form.

Another time I got changed into a Human Porcupine and this mildly irritated my boss.

That photo was SUPER important, folks.

What did I do about it? Joined the mother-f***ing circus, of course!

It used to be a viable career…like the news.

My point is, the reasons I get fired are super-duper awesome. Not totally lame like not using my connections to book an interview. Even if that did happen, I certainly wouldn’t have an existential crisis about the whole thing. I’d quit in protest and then dress up like a woman and Tootsie my old job back!

Yeah! Everyone’s hiring girls over men! Also, they love being called girls!

Oh, sure, Mehcad-Jimmy’s crisis fit in nicely with the episode’s themes about friendship and Mehcad-Jimmy’s speech about living in Superman’s shadow gave me ALL THE FEELS (is it still a thing to say “all the feels”?) but couldn’t the creators have Jimmy accidentally drink a magic potion and become a giant animal of some kind and have THAT be the reason why his job was in jeopardy? Or remove Cat’s teeth with a radioactive camera like I did with Perry White that one time?

Oops!

I know it’s early on in the series but I’m getting the vibe the writers aren’t going to draw upon my vast history of amazing adventures and are only using me to be a super cool, sexy love interest who looks great even though he doesn’t wear bow ties or sweater vests. Also, I don’t believe Mehcad eats pizza.

The rest of the episode was good. Except when is Streaky the Supercat going to show up???? It’s episode 2 already!

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

Jimmy Olsen's Super-Duper RUBBER REPORT

Truth is Elastic

Tag Archives: DC Comics

Superman’s Robot Slaves

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Jimmy Olsen: “I am NOT dead.”

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Ms. Lane If You’re Nasty

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Lies Superman Told Me

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I Get Fired A Lot

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