I Called Superman “Daddy”

When I met Superman I was a legal adult. I was a teenager, sure, and a little immature but I had my own apartment, supported myself on my measly Cub Reporter’s salary, and found myself engaged to beautiful space ladies on a regular basis. You know, like a grown up. So naturally, when Superman offered to adopt me I was super excited.

Who wouldn't want to be adopted by their best friend?

Who wouldn’t want to be adopted by their best friend?

It’s a good thing I was on board, too, because Superman had already done the paperwork without asking me if it was all right.

None of this is weird!

None of this is weird!

You see, I’m an orphan. And I LOVE crashing father/son picnics in my spare time. But it seems weird creeping around without a dad.

This is what I do on my days off.

This is what I do on my days off.

It’s much less weird and totally socially acceptable for an eighteen year-old and a dude with godlike powers to annihilate a bunch of tiny kids and their pot-bellied dads in the three legged-race!

Suck it, brown-slacks losers!

Suck it, brown-slacks losers!

Superman even went to all the trouble of renting a house in the suburbs for us and moving all of my stuff. Again, without even asking me! This is still not weird, right???

a) I love the "Superman and Son" sign b) does it say "Superman" on the lease?

a) I love the “Superman and Son” sign b) Does it say “Superman” on the lease? c) Whee!

He also carried me like a baby to his other house in the Arctic.

I got wind burns on my face real bad that day. So worth it to have a dad though!

I got wind burns on my face real bad that day. So worth it to have a dad though!

He showed me how he kept an innocent creature captive, wasted money, collected ugly sculptures, and kept tools in his garage!

Fortress of Solitude? More like Fortress of Oh, My God, Can We Go Home Yet?

Fortress of Solitude? More like Fortress of Oh, My God, Can We Go Home Yet?

Then he showed me what kind of dad he really was.

Why does Superman need a gun anyway?

Why does Superman need a gun anyway?

Okay, so maybe he was having a rough day. Long flight to the Arctic Circle. Me complaining about all the bugs flying in my mouth. I can see how he could be on edge. But then…

Dude, no one cares about your stupid "secret" identity. Seriously.

Dude, no one cares about your stupid “secret” identity. Seriously. Also, “It will go hard with you?” WTF?

Of course, I did what any well-adjusted human being would do…spent all my money trying please this rage monster.

How about you put that money in a nice Roth IRA for yourself, nitwit?

How about you put that money in a nice Roth IRA for yourself instead, nitwit? Maybe get some Lexcorp or Wayne Enterprises stock?

So I got him a specially tailored dad robe with the House of El crest on it and everything. This thing was like super comfy high-end terry cloth. Care to guess how that went over?

There as a gift receipt. He could have returned it and gotten something he wanted.

There was a gift receipt. He could have returned it and gotten something he wanted.

That was it for me. I decided that maybe being adopted by my abusive best friend wasn’t the right thing for me at that time in my life.

Also, these documents were never valid in the first place because Superman is an illegal alien and doesn't have any ID or social security number or anything.

Also, these documents were never valid in the first place because Superman is an illegal alien and doesn’t have any ID or social security number or anything.

Superman later made up some cock and bull story about his “super-calculator” telling him that he would “destroy his own son” on June 17 so he needed to be a big prick in order to sabotage the adoption instead of, you know, having an honest conversation with me about it? I’m not buying it.

The thing that flashed into my mind was, "Eff this guy."

The thing that flashed into my mind was, “Eff this guy.”

In any case, I hope you have a happier Father’s Day than that! And if you don’t have a dad, maybe that’s better than having a terrible one.

Jimmy_Olsen_30

It really was a nifty robe.

 

 

 

Jimmy Olsen Vs. Evil Beardos

“BRING BACK THE BEARD.” – Beard Band Motto

We’ve all heard the tales of the secret society known as the Beard Band. But what really goes on inside their secret meetings? Do they just talk about the latest advances in comb and trimming technology?

Beard Band founder (probably)

Beard Band founder (probably)

Or is it something more nefarious (SPOILER ALERT: It’s something more nefarious)? That’s exactly what I set out to discover when I attempted to infiltrate their ranks.

Stenciled doors are a dead giveaway to your secret society BTW.

Stenciled doors are a dead giveaway to your secret society BTW.

Sadly, my clever disguise was seen through within two seconds.

I knew I should have used spirit gum!

I knew I should have used spirit gum!

but lucky for me I ran into a complete stranger with a glass of mysterious liquid for me to drink.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG???

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG???

Surprisingly, the liquid wasn’t poison and actually worked!

Finally, something on my chin to stroke!

Finally, something on my chin to stroke!

I got into the meeting but it turns out that nice bearded stranger wasn’t as nice as he had seemed.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND???

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND???

He was, in fact, the president of the Beard Band and refused to give me the antidote for the beard tonic (thus cursing me to have hair constantly growing out of my face) unless I became a spokesperson for the club. Normally, I don’t do celebrity endorsements (at least not ONLY for antidotes) but they had me by the long hairs on this one.

What happens to the motto if they do bring the beard back?

What happens to the motto if they do bring the beard back?

Amazingly, there were several beard related events happening the next day including the opening of a terrible play about noted beard enthusiast Father Time…

What kind of production swings a REAL SCYTHE around the stage?

What kind of production swings a REAL SCYTHE around the stage? Also, there were 2nd Act problems.

…a dedication of a park statue of Robinson Crusoe…

You know, like the Robinson Crusoe statue you have in your park!

You know, like the Robinson Crusoe statue you have in your park!

…a Seven Dwarfs exhibit and the premiere of a “Rip Van Winkle” movie (part of the new Washington Irving cinematic universe). One might even wonder if the beard wasn’t already back?

Somehow I managed to bungle each of these public appearances, turning the idea of a beard into a thing of ridicule (much to the chagrin of the Beard Band publicist).

He gave the Beard Band a good rate seeing as how he's a member.

He gave the Beard Band a good rate seeing as how he’s a member.

I did manage to catch some crooks with the beard they shot off my face!

Do not attempt. Trained beard professional.

Do not attempt. Trained beard professional.

But the Beard Band was not happy and decided to go with Plan B.

Sadly, Operation Whiskers did not involve an adorable kitten.

Sadly, Operation Whiskers did not involve an adorable kitten.

These radicalized beardists decided to poison the Metropolis drinking water with beard tonic!

I wonder where Christopher Nolan got all his great Batman Begins ideas from.

I wonder where Christopher Nolan got all his great “Batman Begins” ideas from.

Solid plan, bro.

Solid plan, bro.

I did what any normal, law-abiding citizen with a thirst for beard justice would have done. I took the beard I had cut off to use as a lariat to climb out of a ditch (long story) and threw it for no apparent reason!

Careful. I hear someone put dissolved beard in the tonic tonight.

Careful. I hear someone put dissolved beard in the tonic tonight.

Thankfully, because of my illogical actions and…uh…science, my beard somehow turned the beard tonic into a beard tonic antidote and wiped out the Beard Bands beards. Of course, then Superman finally decided to show up and take the credit.

This is how science works.

This is how science works.

It appeared that clean-shaven goodness had won the day but, alas, we underestimated the power of the Beard Lobby and the lack of clear laws regarding adding beard tonics to drinking water. The Beard Band paid a few fines and walked away without doing any jail time and within a few decades had realized their mad hipster scheme to bring beards back into fashion…

[Cue “X-Files” end credits music]

Cue "X-Files" closing credits music.

Time to change the motto.

 

 

Superman’s Robot Slaves

I’ve established in previous posts that Superman is a liar, a creep who pimps out his cousin to dudes with werewolf curses, and a misogynist who regularly assaults women. He also has an army of robot slaves.

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!

Superman has gone to great lengths over the years to protect his “secret” identity (he knows we all know, right?). One time, he kidnapped an air force pilot suffering from amnesia and forced him to go on national television pretending to be Clark Kent so he and Superman could be in the same room at the same time.

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Uh…you know we know what “Clark” looks like, right?

Don’t worry. Superman totally gave the guy his memory back…by making him dizzy?

Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service.

He’s also employed other cunning ruses involving rubber masks, dummies, and “super-ventriloquism” over the years before somehow getting smart enough to build life-like super-powered duplicates of himself  programmed to call him “master.”

We know right from wrong! But do not recognize the irony of calling you "master," Master!

We know right from wrong! But do not recognize the irony of calling you “Master,” Master! Also, no one say anything about the naked robot.

Did I mention he keeps his robots in his closet?

a) I'd kill for this much closet space. b) I don't need to point out the closeted metaphor, right?

a) I’d kill for this much closet space. b) I don’t need to point out the metaphor, do I?

Also, they were self-aware, sentient beings with with wants and needs.

Uh...maybe lock the bathroom door next time, Superman-T.

Uh…maybe lock the bathroom door next time, Superman-T.

They can also do neat robot tricks.

Fully posable!

Fully posable!

Even if they do have a few design flaws…

Bit of an over-reaction, don't you think, "Clark?"

Speak American, Superman!

Superman also made a bunch of weird ones that obviously aren’t him and are thus useless in protecting his secret identity.

These ones are HIGHLY collectable.

These guys are HIGHLY collectable.

He also told all the people most likely to guess who he is about the existence of these robots, thus further defeating their alleged purpose in helping keep his identity secret.

Spoiler alert: he's not dead.

Spoiler alert: he’s not dead.

It’s almost as if he’s not really trying that hard to protect his secret identity after all.

Really? You're going with yellow for the bedroom?

Really? You “forgot” that painters are redecorating your rooms? Also, you’re going with yellow for the bedroom?

Could it be Superman’s public insistence on using his robot slaves to protect his identity is yet another elaborate lie designed to misdirect us from the truth that he is amassing a robot army with which to enslave the world?

I know he has a saviour complex but the Super-Pope hat is a bit much.

I know he has a saviour complex but the Super-Pope hat is a bit much.

I know what you’re thinking: if Superman wanted to enslave the world he could. And sure, he probably could. But in order to rule, he’d need governors in every country to carry out his will. Who better than robot slaves made in your own narcissistic image, incapable of rising up against you?

The Burger King lining on the cape is a nice touch.

The Burger King lining on the cape is a nice touch.

Luckily for us, fate has thwarted Superman’s plans.

Superman Robot kick line!

Superman Robot kick line!

Pollution, overpopulation, and man-made radiation have…uh…somehow rendered the Superman robots inoperable. Thanks, Obama.

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?

 

 

I Was A Gorilla Newshound

Investigative journalism is not without its risks. Aside from the low pay and dwindling ad rates it is not uncommon for a reporter to switch consciousness with a gorilla.

I have "typing with gorilla fingers" on my resume under "special skills."

I have “typing with gorilla fingers” on my resume under “special skills.”

I know what you’re thinking: “But Jimmy, switching consciousness with a gorilla sounds like a very unusual occurrence.” Oh, yeah? Then why has it happened to me not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES???

Sometimes I can talk when I'm a gorilla, other times not so much. There's no internal logic to my life.

Sometimes I can talk when I’m a gorilla, other times not so much. There’s no internal logic to my life.

The first time I switched bodies with a gorilla I was doing a fluff piece on a crackpot inventor. I do these a lot and never take the crackpots seriously despite the fact that I always let them experiment on me and ALWAYS end up with some kind of super power or life threatening condition for a day or two.

Case in point…

This is totally how science works.

This is totally how science works.

And wouldn’t you know it…

You don't want to know what that gorilla did to my suit while he was in my body.

No amount of dry cleaning would fix what that gorilla did to my suit while he was in my body.

So what did I do? Well, naturally I consulted all the genius super-scientists I’ve met over the years to find a solution to the problem.

Nah. Just kidding. I put on some ill-fitting clothes and went to work. A gorilla’s gotta eat (a lot) and I can’t afford to take a day off (unlike definitely not off on the planet Apokolips fighting Darkseid “Clark”).

"Nice monkey suit." - Something no one had the balls to say to me for fear of having their arms ripped off

“Nice monkey suit.” – Something no one had the balls to say to me for fear of having their arms ripped off

Yes, my coworkers did freak out at first but it took a surprisingly short amount of time to convince them not to have me shot and killed as a public menace.

I guess my name is "Bonzo" now.

I guess my name is “Bonzo” now even though I’m still the same person on the inside.

Science isn’t the only way you can “Vice Versa” with a gorilla. Magic rings will do the trick too! Like the time I switched bodies with Congorilla!

Getting punched by a kangaroo is optional.

Getting punched by a kangaroo is optional.

Or like that other time I switched bodies with Congorilla!

I hope those bad guys don't hear me pooping!

I hope those bad guys don’t hear me pooping!

There are probably other ways to switch bodies with a gorilla (i.e. brain transplant) but so far I’ve only had to deal with crackpot science and magic rings.

It always seems to work out in the end though and I’ve been able to return to my human form.

Sadly, "Bonzo" did not kill my boss.

Sadly, “Bonzo” did not kill my boss.

But every reporter knows it’s only a matter of time before they get stuck in an ape’s body forever and somewhere out there is a gorilla’s brain with their name on it.

That's me on the left. Also, on the right.

That’s me on the left. Also, on the right.

 

 

Ms. Lane If You’re Nasty

Tonight’s episode of “Supergirl” features the first proper introduction of my sometime, not really girlfriend, Lucy Lane, into the mythos of the show and I hope they get it right. By “right” I mean not at all accurate because the truth is embarrassing.

Which type of "Mean Girl" is this again?

That was my fanciest purple dinner robe.

You see, I don’t like myself when I’m around Lucy. I honestly don’t know how anyone could like me around Lucy.

Oh, Grod, please get this foot out of my mouth.

Stop talking, Jummy. Just please stop talking.

Or like Lucy for that matter. Really, she’s a horrible person.

See?

No, really. She’s terrible.

She’s vain, selfish, materialistic, and fickle, constantly blowing off plans with me so she can go out with someone else.

Isn't she sweet?

Ain’t she sweet?

Oh, and she’s a nasty, ungrateful, gold-digging elitist. Imagine a human being as if they had been written by a couple of misogynistic dudes during the 1950s and that’s Lucy.

If I make her like me then maybe I'll have worth!

It bears repeating…GRRRR!

You’ve probably figured out that she’s Lois Lane’s sister (those Lane’s love their alliteration). She’s also a Flight Attendant which she apparently feels is comparable to flying around with an invincible man-god from another planet.

The Superman Museum is usually a great first date...and free every first Wednesday of the month!

The Superman Museum is usually a great first date…and it’s free every first Wednesday of the month!

The first time we met I finagled a double date with Lois and “Clark.” I use the term “date” loosely (it was more of a “group hang” that I paid for). We went to the Superman Restaurant. You remember that chain of mid-scale family dining where the balding waiters had to dress like Superman? Thank Grod those went out of business.

It was better than "Sizzler" at least.

It was better than “Sizzler” at least.

She was clearly not interested and wanted to cancel our next date to go out with some ” Famous Rodeo Stars.” Is that a thing?

Yes, "Clark" used his super-hearing to invade her privacy to get me this information.

Yes, “Clark” used his super-hearing to invade her privacy to get me this information.

The only way I can get her attention is if I get over her, move on, and start dating a gorgeous and/or giant alien space lady.

Physical attraction? √ Common Interests (i.e. me)? √ Both 200 foot Colossuses? MOST IMPORTANT.

Physical attraction? √ Common Interests (i.e. me)? √ Both 200 foot Colossuses? MOST IMPORTANT.

Oh, THEN she gets interested.

Yeah, you look into it, lady.

Yeah, you look into it, lady.

So why do I put up with it and keep coming back for more? Well, clearly I like a challenge. Also, I’m a glutton for punishment I guess… and perhaps judge my own self worth by how others see me. If I can make this terrible person be nice to me then I must be something special!

I called her as soon as I got home.

I called her as soon as I got home.

 

 

 

Lies Superman Told Me

We all lie. Sometimes out of empathy, other times vanity or shame. Not all lies are necessarily sinister but when your best friend lies to you ALL THE TIME maybe you should consider if they’re really a friend…

One of Superman's hilarious psychological pranks!

One of Superman’s hilarious psychological pranks!

Last time, I suggested Superman may have been lying when he said I was once his babysitter on Krypton but didn’t remember it because I’d lost my memory when traveling back to my own time and planet. What reason would I have to doubt Superman’s veracity? He’s my best friend, right?

jimmymeetssm

The problem is over the years I’ve discovered Superman lies. A lot.

See.

Foam rubber is super convincing.

Often he lies because he’s fighting a mind reader and can’t trust my super-weak brain not to have my thoughts read. More often, he just doesn’t trust my acting ability and doesn’t let me in on his plan so that I will perform realistically.

No, really. Rubber masks really are super-realistic.

No, really. Rubber masks are very effective disguises.

Sometimes he will lie to teach me a “lesson.” Like the time I lost my voice and some hunters mistook me for a “Jungle Boy” and “Clark” pretended not to recognize me.

I sure did learn my lesson about shirking guard duty that day!  Sure did learn my lesson about shirking guard duty that day!

Other times, the reasons are less clear. One time, he, Lois, Perry White and everyone in my life got together and acted like they didn’t know me.

These people are supposed to be my friends.

These people are supposed to be my friends.

That’s right. THEY PRETENDED LIKE I DIDN’T EXIST.

Jimmy_Olsen-025-23

It’s like “It’s A Wonderful Life” but without me wishing I never existed and with lying instead of magic.

Why would my friends psychologically torture me? FOR MY OWN GOOD, OF COURSE.

Hopefully, we don't drive him insane.

By far Superman’s biggest and most dangerous lie is his secret identity. He lies about who he is to the entire world. He claims it’s to protect his loved ones, which makes sense. If his enemies knew who he was they could go after his friends and family. So why not tell your friends and family said secret identity? He uses the same argument: it’s for our safety.

Whatever you say, Superman! You know best!

Whatever you say, Superman! You know best!

Here’s the thing though: I’m already a target. The entire world knows me as Superman’s “Best Boy Pal.” Lois Lane is allegedly his girlfriend of sorts. The world knows this. Bad guys know this. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been kidnapped, attached, brainwashed, or given a computer brain by Superman’s nemeses.

Say what you want about Brainiac but he is WORKING those short shorts!

Say what you want about Brainiac but he is WORKING those short shorts!

In fact, he would rather put my life in jeopardy with his lies than have me know who he is. Like that time he made me think I could fly with magic wings.

Superbreath is supergross.

Superbreath is supergross.

Or that time he made me think I could breathe under water.

You're right. This is much easier than letting me know who you are.

You’re right. This is much easier than letting me know who you are.

"Okay, thanks for giving me the bends, a-hole."

“Okay, thanks for giving me the bends, a-hole.”

Oh, sure, he recently told me who he really was after seventy-five years (I pretended like I didn’t already know).

How long before this gets erased from my memory?

How long before this gets erased from my memory?

Why the secrecy? Here I can only speculate but I can tell you the thought that’s popped up in my head more than once over the years, the thought that I’ve told myself couldn’t possibly be true: He’s not my friend. He doesn’t trust me. I’m actually a decoy. Just like Batman dressing up his teenage partner is bright red and yellow to jump around rooftops on school nights, I am there to distract criminals from going after whoever Superman really cares for.

Time for a new Robin, I guess.

Time for a new Robin, I guess.

It makes a disturbing amount of sense and would explain why he might seek out an unworldly, naïve teenager with no family or friends and tell him an amazing story about how said teen saved his life when he was a baby and he was going to reward him with his friendship. It would also explain why he wants to keep me alive. If I get killed, he’ll have to find a replacement.

Then again, he’d still have Lois.

I Spanked Superman

Let’s talk about Superman. I promised in an earlier post to tell you how he and I first met and last night’s episode of the fictionalized television series “Supergirl” seems like as good of a jumping off point as any.

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The episode introduced my Superman Signal Watch into the mythos of the series. For those of you who don’t know, the Superman Signal Watch is a watch that…uh…signals Superman (I guess maybe you could have figured that out on your own). It also keeps reasonable time. At least mine does. Not sure about the one on the show.

It's no Apple Watch.

It’s no Apple Watch.

The story of how I got this watch is the story of how Superman and I first met. It’s also a little unsettling.

Adventures in Babysitting

Adventures in Babysitting

And yes, there will be spanking.

I was eighteen years old, an impressionable teen with a bad case of hero-worship for the Man of Steel, and had just moved to Metropolis to make a go of it in the big city. I had no friends, no family, and no job. In short, I was a perfect mark.

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Looking for some quick cash, I answered an ad to let a complete stranger use me as a Guinea pig for a dangerous and untested science experiment (it wouldn’t be the last time).

This was totally in his garage.

This was totally in his garage.

The time machine takes me to the planet Krypton before it blew up where I promptly make a traffic violation in my time machine and go on the run from the Kryptonian police.

The tiny Kryptonian flying around in the top hat for the win.

The tiny Kryptonian flying around in the top hat for the win.

Also, I can totally read and understand Kryptonese because I’m a huge nerd and figured it out by reading a book.

Kryptonian Entitlement Programs. No wonder their planet exploded.

Kryptonian Entitlement Programs. No wonder their planet exploded.

Taking advantage of Kryptonian Socialism, I get some Kryptonian clothes and quickly insinuated myself into the El family’s life by using the combined powers of lying and inexpensive child care.

Kryptonians don’t require background checks or immunization records to take care of their babies.

Yes, I could have caused a disruption in the space/time continuum but when else was I going to babysit Superman?

Children in restaurants are the same everywhere.

They say never meet your heroes. I’d add never babysit them either. Baby Kal-El was an insufferable super-brat and in my inexperience I turned to corporal punishment (I told you there would be spanking).

Kryptonian Fred MacMurray at the other table is totally judging my parenting skills.

I sort of lost baby Superman for a while but it all worked out in the end.

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Well, except for Lara and Jor-El still dying along with everyone else on Krypton.

Now here comes the unsettling part (aside from the deaths of billions of Kryptonians). When I arrived back in my time I had no memory of the trip at all. It was as though the time machine had been a failure.

Wait. My payment was contingent on you selling your patent???

Wait. My payment was contingent on you selling your patent???

In fact, I never would have known about it at all if Superman (a complete stranger to me) hadn’t shown up and told me all about it.

Um...don't I get a choice here?

Um…don’t I get a choice here?

He told me the story using his “Super-memory” to remember his baby time, informed me we would be pals, got me a job working in the same building as a dude named “Clark” (he knows we all know, right?), and gave me the signal watch (he’s never given one to Lois BTW).

It's weird that I have one and she doesn't, right?

It’s weird that I have one and she doesn’t, right?

And that’s how I met Superman…through a time travel paradox I can’t remember and have to take his word for. I didn’t question it at the time because he was Superman. He stands for Truth, Justice, and the American Way, right (despite coming from Socialist Krypton)? But if there’s one important thing I’ve learned over the years it is this: SUPERMAN LIES.

I’ll tell you more about it next time.

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