I’ve been engaged to and/or married to many women in many different alternate timelines/universes over the years: Lois Lane, Lucy Lane, Allura the giantess from a distant planet, Ilona of the Sunev Galaxy, Rona from another dimension, and…um…a gorilla (to name a few).

Worst part about my inter-species wedding: Superman’s cultural insensitivity.

But my favorite of all my almost wives will always be Kara Zor-El, commonly known to the world as “Supergirl.” I’ll never forget our imaginary wedding that never happened!

Sweet never memories.

Naturally, when I heard about the long overdue television show based on her life and adventures and looked forward to live tweeting the premiere with the rest of the world. Sadly, I discovered five minutes before the show was going to start that my live TV feed was broken and I don’t have cable so I wasn’t able to watch with the rest of the world. Super bummer.

The show was a critical and ratings hit. Also, Black Twitter liked it (check out the #Supergurl hashtag when you get a chance)! I got a chance to catch up with the pilot last night and it was super-duper fun, humorous, and emotional (I cried four times). Congratulations to the cast and crew on a job well done.

That’s my girl! Sort of…not really. I mean she’s her own woman and everything…never mind.

However…

THAT’S NOT THE REAL STORY.

This is Hollywood and as with all media adaptations of real life events liberties have been taken, time compressed, and certain facts thrown out the window. For example:

The opening on Krypton. Superbaby being put in a tiny rocket has been done many times over the years and same as always they left something out: I WAS THERE. Allegedly. My mind was wiped afterwards so I can’t be sure. I’m saving the details for a separate post but the quick version is: Time travel. I became Superbaby’s babysitter. I saved the little a-hole’s life. I don’t know if they filmed my scenes and cut them for time but it would nice to see it on screen one day.

It was nice that they got Superbaby’s spit curl right though. Does it naturally do that or did Jor-El and Kara put product in his hair? If so, he’s maintained the same hair style since birth??? Total square.

One of the other points that veers far from reality is Kara’s and my “meet cute.” It wasn’t quite as adorkable in real life. You see, I was a Wolf-man at the time after having willfully chugged down a bottle of magic potion clearly labeled “Ye Wolfman Potion” from an ancient crypt. Did I mention I used to be a complete idiot?

I was young.

“Ye” antidote for the Wolf-man curse was the good old-fashioned sexist trope of “the willing kiss of a beautiful maiden.” What does beautiful mean? What if I don’t like maidens? What if it’s a woman who drank the potion and she doesn’t like maidens? WTF does a kiss have to do with anything? Not even love’s true kiss, just a meaningless peck from an objectively attractive woman.

If I were a cosplayer I’d be furious she thought it was just a mask.

Luckily, I happened to transform at both a costume party and a movie studio where everyone just took it for granted that I was wearing a mask but I knew it would be SUPER EMBARRASSING if anyone found out so I made a plan to get the curse lifted: I take all my savings out of the bank, go to the park in the middle of the night, and ask the first attractive woman I see (a complete stranger) to kiss me in exchange for the money.

What could possibly go wrong?

SPOILER ALERT: It didn’t work.

Thankfully, she wasn’t an undercover cop.

So Superman (who feels a need to solve all my problems) took me back to my apartment where he had a strange woman waiting for me in a darkened room who had agreed to kiss me.

You have what now?

That’s right. That woman was Supergirl.

I can understand why the producers of the show decided to change how we met, seeing as how there’s a lot to set up in a pilot and having Mehcad Brooks running around in full Wolf-man makeup might have distracted from the other plot elements of the show, not to mention the creepy/pimp-like quality to Superman’s behavior. So I’m okay with it.

Supercreep! Supercreep! He’s super creeepy!

And while we’re on the subject of Mehcad… nailed it. He may not look exactly like me (though his abs are spot on) but he definitely captured my essence (or at least how I see myself): sexy, mature, charming, sexy.

Me.

Mehcad.

Too many of these Superman movies and shows have me running around like a dorky, reckless moron who needs to be saved from Superman. I mean, that’s accurate too but I’m more than just a dorky, reckless moron. Did I mention how many almost wives I’ve had???

There are other inaccuracies (like Cyborg Superman being Kara’s sister’s boss) but I loved it all the same and am looking forward to the next episode. Let me know what you thought in the comments below. Or, you know, don’t.