Superman’s Robot Slaves

I’ve established in previous posts that Superman is a liar, a creep who pimps out his cousin to dudes with werewolf curses, and a misogynist who regularly assaults women. He also has an army of robot slaves.

Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!

Superman has gone to great lengths over the years to protect his “secret” identity (he knows we all know, right?). One time, he kidnapped an air force pilot suffering from amnesia and forced him to go on national television pretending to be Clark Kent so he and Superman could be in the same room at the same time.

Screen Shot 2016-05-16 at 10.53.06 AM

Uh…you know we know what “Clark” looks like, right?

Don’t worry. Superman totally gave the guy his memory back…by making him dizzy?

Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service.

He’s also employed other cunning ruses involving rubber masks, dummies, and “super-ventriloquism” over the years before somehow getting smart enough to build life-like super-powered duplicates of himself  programmed to call him “master.”

We know right from wrong! But do not recognize the irony of calling you "master," Master!

We know right from wrong! But do not recognize the irony of calling you “Master,” Master! Also, no one say anything about the naked robot.

Did I mention he keeps his robots in his closet?

a) I'd kill for this much closet space. b) I don't need to point out the closeted metaphor, right?

a) I’d kill for this much closet space. b) I don’t need to point out the metaphor, do I?

Also, they were self-aware, sentient beings with with wants and needs.

Uh...maybe lock the bathroom door next time, Superman-T.

Uh…maybe lock the bathroom door next time, Superman-T.

They can also do neat robot tricks.

Fully posable!

Fully posable!

Even if they do have a few design flaws…

Bit of an over-reaction, don't you think, "Clark?"

Speak American, Superman!

Superman also made a bunch of weird ones that obviously aren’t him and are thus useless in protecting his secret identity.

These ones are HIGHLY collectable.

These guys are HIGHLY collectable.

He also told all the people most likely to guess who he is about the existence of these robots, thus further defeating their alleged purpose in helping keep his identity secret.

Spoiler alert: he's not dead.

Spoiler alert: he’s not dead.

It’s almost as if he’s not really trying that hard to protect his secret identity after all.

Really? You're going with yellow for the bedroom?

Really? You “forgot” that painters are redecorating your rooms? Also, you’re going with yellow for the bedroom?

Could it be Superman’s public insistence on using his robot slaves to protect his identity is yet another elaborate lie designed to misdirect us from the truth that he is amassing a robot army with which to enslave the world?

I know he has a saviour complex but the Super-Pope hat is a bit much.

I know he has a saviour complex but the Super-Pope hat is a bit much.

I know what you’re thinking: if Superman wanted to enslave the world he could. And sure, he probably could. But in order to rule, he’d need governors in every country to carry out his will. Who better than robot slaves made in your own narcissistic image, incapable of rising up against you?

The Burger King lining on the cape is a nice touch.

The Burger King lining on the cape is a nice touch.

Luckily for us, fate has thwarted Superman’s plans.

Superman Robot kick line!

Superman Robot kick line!

Pollution, overpopulation, and man-made radiation have…uh…somehow rendered the Superman robots inoperable. Thanks, Obama.

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?



Superman Spanks-a-lot

“He may be a super man, but that doesn’t mean he’s a good man.” 

— me just now (pretty good, right???)

First off, apologies for the radio silence. Things got crazy with the holidays and then I got stuck in the bottle city of Kandor for a while and then I was kidnapped by the Anti-Superman Gang and then I switched consciousness’s with a gorilla (AGAIN) and then I caught a cold which had me on the ropes for a few weeks. You get it.

In any event, let’s talk about Superman’s super disturbing spanking fetish.


Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with a little spanking between consenting adults. But that is NOT what we’re talking about here. These are clearly nonconsensual physical assaults.



And there are a lot of them.


I’m not altering these in any way.

Superman has argued that these women were criminals and he was merely dispensing justice but has he ever infantilized and humiliated Lex Luthor, Brainiac, or the Ultra-Humanite in a similar fashion?


This is legitimately disturbing, right?

Let’s give Superman the benefit of the doubt for a moment and say these aren’t really assaults but fair and proportional justice doled out to these women.


What does that say exactly about Superman’s feelings about women? What have non-sexual spankings traditionally been reserved for? Punishing children, right?


He was in the middle of making dinner here.

So basically, Superman thinks of these female criminals as intellectual and emotional children, unworthy of the serious attention of the criminal justice system, and decides to take the matter into his own hands (literally)

Sometimes he just likes to watch.

Well, sometimes he just likes to watch.

In this best case scenario of Superman’s intentions, he is depriving these women of their basic human rights. It would be like him sentencing criminals to an eternity in a timeless prison dimension wormhole without due process. Oh, wait…


Where does Superman’s obsession with corporal punishment stem from? Could it be something to do with his daddy issues?


This doesn’t need a caption, does it?

Or his other daddy issues?


Smallville High discontinued the “Parent Principal For A Day” shortly after this photo leaked.

Or his Best Boy Pal who went back in time and became his babysitter issues?

Kryptonian Fred MacMurray at the other table is totally judging my parenting skills.

I am not without fault.

Or his President Eisenhower issues?

I like Ike.

I like Ike.

The sad truth is, probably none of these things are at the root of Superman’s psychological issues. Well, maybe they are but I don’t think his psychological issues are the root of the real problem: Superman is not an outlier.

He may be a liar and a creep who spanks women and pimps out his cousin to kiss dudes suffering from werewolf curses (namely me) but he is also the norm. Misogyny is a systemic problem in the super hero community. Everyone from Batman…


Never meet your heroes.

…to Captain Marvel…



…to Superman’s robot slaves  (more on them another time)…

superman spanks lois

…to even paragons of feminism like Wonder Woman…


…and Supergirl are purveyors of this “old-fashioned” lesson teaching.


Is he smiling?

The real villain here is a culture that dehumanizes and minimizes women and makes people think this kind of behavior is permissible.

And also, Superman’s the villain too. Superman’s a jerk.




Ms. Lane If You’re Nasty

Tonight’s episode of “Supergirl” features the first proper introduction of my sometime, not really girlfriend, Lucy Lane, into the mythos of the show and I hope they get it right. By “right” I mean not at all accurate because the truth is embarrassing.

Which type of "Mean Girl" is this again?

That was my fanciest purple dinner robe.

You see, I don’t like myself when I’m around Lucy. I honestly don’t know how anyone could like me around Lucy.

Oh, Grod, please get this foot out of my mouth.

Stop talking, Jummy. Just please stop talking.

Or like Lucy for that matter. Really, she’s a horrible person.


No, really. She’s terrible.

She’s vain, selfish, materialistic, and fickle, constantly blowing off plans with me so she can go out with someone else.

Isn't she sweet?

Ain’t she sweet?

Oh, and she’s a nasty, ungrateful, gold-digging elitist. Imagine a human being as if they had been written by a couple of misogynistic dudes during the 1950s and that’s Lucy.

If I make her like me then maybe I'll have worth!

It bears repeating…GRRRR!

You’ve probably figured out that she’s Lois Lane’s sister (those Lane’s love their alliteration). She’s also a Flight Attendant which she apparently feels is comparable to flying around with an invincible man-god from another planet.

The Superman Museum is usually a great first date...and free every first Wednesday of the month!

The Superman Museum is usually a great first date…and it’s free every first Wednesday of the month!

The first time we met I finagled a double date with Lois and “Clark.” I use the term “date” loosely (it was more of a “group hang” that I paid for). We went to the Superman Restaurant. You remember that chain of mid-scale family dining where the balding waiters had to dress like Superman? Thank Grod those went out of business.

It was better than "Sizzler" at least.

It was better than “Sizzler” at least.

She was clearly not interested and wanted to cancel our next date to go out with some ” Famous Rodeo Stars.” Is that a thing?

Yes, "Clark" used his super-hearing to invade her privacy to get me this information.

Yes, “Clark” used his super-hearing to invade her privacy to get me this information.

The only way I can get her attention is if I get over her, move on, and start dating a gorgeous and/or giant alien space lady.

Physical attraction? √ Common Interests (i.e. me)? √ Both 200 foot Colossuses? MOST IMPORTANT.

Physical attraction? √ Common Interests (i.e. me)? √ Both 200 foot Colossuses? MOST IMPORTANT.

Oh, THEN she gets interested.

Yeah, you look into it, lady.

Yeah, you look into it, lady.

So why do I put up with it and keep coming back for more? Well, clearly I like a challenge. Also, I’m a glutton for punishment I guess… and perhaps judge my own self worth by how others see me. If I can make this terrible person be nice to me then I must be something special!

I called her as soon as I got home.

I called her as soon as I got home.




I Get Fired A Lot

It’s weird seeing yourself portrayed on a fictional television show. Not getting-fire-breath-after-drinking-a-science-potion weird (happens more than you’d think) but, you know, weird nonetheless.

Anyone want a hamburger? I cooked them with my breath!

Anyone want a hamburger? I cooked it with my breath!

For example, this week’s episode of “Supergirl” featured a storyline where Mehcad Brooks’ Jimmy Olsen is in danger of getting fired from his job at CatCo for failing to use his Superman “bro hang” connection to get an exclusive interview with Supergirl, causing Mehcad-Jimmy to have Big Thoughts about Life and his place in it.



Now my job at the Daily Planet has been in jeopardy plenty of times. In fact, I’m almost perpetually in a state of being threatened with being fired, actually getting fired, being rehired, getting fired again, or quitting to join the circus (no really, I’ve joined the circus more times than anyone I know).



One time I grew four extra arms and my union rep told Perry White he needed pay me for doing the work of three people or let me go. Can you guess what Perry decided on?

Unions, am I right?

Unions, am I right?

Another time I got fired for dealing out some sick burns to that big old jerk Superman. Totally worth it.

Ha ha! Suck it, Snooperman!

Ha ha! Suck it, Snooperman!

I told them I was under the influence of an alien emotion opposting crystal life form.

I told them I was under the influence of an alien emotion oppostite-ing crystal life form.

Another time I got changed into a Human Porcupine and this mildly irritated my boss.

That photo was SUPER important, folks.

That photo was SUPER important, folks.

What did I do about it? Joined the mother-f***ing circus, of course!

It used to be a viable the news.

It used to be a viable career…like the news.

My point is, the reasons I get fired are super-duper awesome. Not totally lame like not using my connections to book an interview. Even if that did happen, I certainly wouldn’t have an existential crisis about the whole thing. I’d quit in protest and then dress up like a woman and Tootsie my old job back!

Yeah! Everyone's hiring girls over men! Also, they love being called girls!

Yeah! Everyone’s hiring girls over men! Also, they love being called girls!

Oh, sure, Mehcad-Jimmy’s crisis fit in nicely with the episode’s themes about friendship and Mehcad-Jimmy’s speech about living in Superman’s shadow gave me ALL THE FEELS (is it still a thing to say “all the feels”?) but couldn’t the creators have Jimmy accidentally drink a magic potion and become a giant animal of some kind and have THAT be the reason why his job was in jeopardy? Or remove Cat’s teeth with a radioactive camera like I did with Perry White that one time?



I know it’s early on in the series but I’m getting the vibe the writers aren’t going to draw upon my vast history of amazing adventures and are only using me to be a super cool, sexy love interest who looks great even though he doesn’t wear bow ties or sweater vests. Also, I don’t believe Mehcad eats pizza.

The rest of the episode was good. Except when is Streaky the Supercat going to show up???? It’s episode 2 already!


I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.


The Elastic Truth About “Supergirl”

I’ve been engaged to and/or married to many women in many different alternate timelines/universes over the years: Lois Lane, Lucy Lane, Allura the giantess from a distant planet, Ilona of the Sunev Galaxy, Rona from another dimension, and…um…a gorilla (to name a few).


Worst part about my inter-species wedding: Superman’s cultural insensitivity.

But my favorite of all my almost wives will always be Kara Zor-El, commonly known to the world as “Supergirl.” I’ll never forget our imaginary wedding that never happened!


Sweet never memories.

Naturally, when I heard about the long overdue television show based on her life and adventures and looked forward to live tweeting the premiere with the rest of the world. Sadly, I discovered five minutes before the show was going to start that my live TV feed was broken and I don’t have cable so I wasn’t able to watch with the rest of the world. Super bummer.

The show was a critical and ratings hit. Also, Black Twitter liked it (check out the #Supergurl hashtag when you get a chance)! I got a chance to catch up with the pilot last night and it was super-duper fun, humorous, and emotional (I cried four times). Congratulations to the cast and crew on a job well done.


That’s my girl! Sort of…not really. I mean she’s her own woman and everything…never mind.



This is Hollywood and as with all media adaptations of real life events liberties have been taken, time compressed, and certain facts thrown out the window. For example:

The opening on Krypton. Superbaby being put in a tiny rocket has been done many times over the years and same as always they left something out: I WAS THERE. Allegedly. My mind was wiped afterwards so I can’t be sure. I’m saving the details for a separate post but the quick version is: Time travel. I became Superbaby’s babysitter. I saved the little a-hole’s life. I don’t know if they filmed my scenes and cut them for time but it would nice to see it on screen one day.


It was nice that they got Superbaby’s spit curl right though. Does it naturally do that or did Jor-El and Kara put product in his hair? If so, he’s maintained the same hair style since birth??? Total square.

Screen Shot 2015-10-29 at 2.02.51 PMtumblr_l6j4s7Oypw1qbujox

One of the other points that veers far from reality is Kara’s and my “meet cute.” It wasn’t quite as adorkable in real life. You see, I was a Wolf-man at the time after having willfully chugged down a bottle of magic potion clearly labeled “Ye Wolfman Potion” from an ancient crypt. Did I mention I used to be a complete idiot?


I was young.

“Ye” antidote for the Wolf-man curse was the good old-fashioned sexist trope of “the willing kiss of a beautiful maiden.” What does beautiful mean? What if I don’t like maidens? What if it’s a woman who drank the potion and she doesn’t like maidens? WTF does a kiss have to do with anything? Not even love’s true kiss, just a meaningless peck from an objectively attractive woman.

If I were a cosplayer I'd be furious she thought it was just a mask.

If I were a cosplayer I’d be furious she thought it was just a mask.

Luckily, I happened to transform at both a costume party and a movie studio where everyone just took it for granted that I was wearing a mask but I knew it would be SUPER EMBARRASSING if anyone found out so I made a plan to get the curse lifted: I take all my savings out of the bank, go to the park in the middle of the night, and ask the first attractive woman I see (a complete stranger) to kiss me in exchange for the money.

What could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly go wrong?

SPOILER ALERT: It didn’t work.

Thankfully, she wasn't an undercover cop.

Thankfully, she wasn’t an undercover cop.

So Superman (who feels a need to solve all my problems) took me back to my apartment where he had a strange woman waiting for me in a darkened room who had agreed to kiss me.


You have what now?

That’s right. That woman was Supergirl.


I can understand why the producers of the show decided to change how we met, seeing as how there’s a lot to set up in a pilot and having Mehcad Brooks running around in full Wolf-man makeup might have distracted from the other plot elements of the show, not to mention the creepy/pimp-like quality to Superman’s behavior. So I’m okay with it.

Supercreep! Supercreep! He's super creeepy!

Supercreep! Supercreep! He’s super creeepy!

And while we’re on the subject of Mehcad… nailed it. He may not look exactly like me (though his abs are spot on) but he definitely captured my essence (or at least how I see myself): sexy, mature, charming, sexy.





Too many of these Superman movies and shows have me running around like a dorky, reckless moron who needs to be saved from Superman. I mean, that’s accurate too but I’m more than just a dorky, reckless moron. Did I mention how many almost wives I’ve had???


There are other inaccuracies (like Cyborg Superman being Kara’s sister’s boss) but I loved it all the same and am looking forward to the next episode. Let me know what you thought in the comments below. Or, you know, don’t.


Hi! My name is James Bartholomew Olsen. I used to be famous for being the “best boy pal” of a certain strange visitor from another planet. Nowadays I’m just a regular ole cub reporter in his mid-thirties wondering where all the years have gone (go to college, kids).

My life hasn’t been boring: I’ve been an Elastic Lad, a Giant Turtle Man, and even a Nazi Field Marshal (there’s a reasonable explanation). I’m here to share some of my stories and hopefully figure out a way to pivot out of the dying medium of print journalism and into the digital age. I should probably take the Nazi thing out of my bio, shouldn’t I?


It’s not what it looks like.

So what can you expect from this blog? A lot of time has passed since I first met Superman and there’s a lot of dirt to dish and things to unpack. Also, probably some “Supergirl” TV show recaps.


One could say I wasted a LOT of time thinking the domain name for this blog. Don’t believe me? Here’s a sample:

OlsenReport – Because I’m a reporter and my last name is Olsen.
SuperReport – Because, you know, superheroes and stuff.
SuperDuperReport – “Super-duper!” is my catchphrase so…
SuperFiles – Like the X-files but about super stuff.
OlsenFiles – I like files.
CubBeat – I’m a Cub Reporter and this is my beat.
CubFiles – Again with the files.
ElasticTruth – I was Elastic Lad and I’m here to tell the truth!
GiantTurtleNews – Kind of liked this one.
GiantTurtleFiles – Again with the files.
GiantTurtleReport – You get the idea.
GiantTurtle – Did I mention I was a Giant Turtle Man?
OlsenTruth – Do I need to explain this one?
TeenSidekick – Too long, but accurate.
AgingSidekick – Too negative. You’re only as old as you feel.
ElasticReport – This was really word association at this point.
Olsency – I used a blog name generator and got this.
Sidechic – Like a sidekick who is chic.
ActionBeat – Because of “Action Comics.”
ActionReport – I can’t believe I wrote this one down.
RedKryptonite = weird stuff
Olsenite – Get it? I’m like my own Kryptonite?
RedOlsenite – Weird tales + Red hair + Red Kryptonite + Me
SuperTruth – Sounds too conspiracy nut.
jimmy-olsen – JimmyOlsen was already taken.
KidSidekick – Too many k’s.
DeadSidekick – Too dark.
RecklessSidekick – Too long + too many k’s.
RecklessKid – Okay, I googled “sidekick tropes.”
SuperOlsen – I had to have called myself this at some point.
SupergirlsBoy – Crassly trying to piggyback on the new show.
BestBoyPal – The creepy thing Superman calls me.

As you can see, I was super into the words “Report” and “Files.” And to be honest, I was kind of partial to “Giant Turtle News” but my sometime, sort-of, not really girlfriend Lucy Lane hated every single one of them. Except “Rubber Report.”
I know. That still doesn’t answer the question.
Well, in my sometime superhero identity of “Elastic Lad” I was known as “The Boy of Rubber.” Well, maybe “known” is stretching it (pardon the pun). Superman is known as the Man of Steel. Two people called me the Boy of Rubber. One of them was me just now.

The other one was a narrator.

Anyhow, when I was choosing my twitter handle just about every variation of my name and various nicknames and alter egos had already been taken so I landed on @boyofrubber. Wanting to keep a little brand awareness when I started the blog so I chose “The Rubber Report.” Then I realized I’m famous and should probably have my name somewhere in the title and so now it’s “Jimmy Olsen’s Super-Duper Rubber Report.”
Upon reflection, I probably should have just bought off whoever GoDaddied it.
Tune in next time, when I will have hopefully figured out how to watch “Supergirl” on somewhere other than my laptop!