Superman’s Robot Slaves

May 16, 2016 by Jimmy Olsen

I’ve established in previous posts that Superman is a liar, a creep who pimps out his cousin to dudes with werewolf curses, and a misogynist who regularly assaults women. He also has an army of robot slaves.

Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!

Superman has gone to great lengths over the years to protect his “secret” identity (he knows we all know, right?). One time, he kidnapped an air force pilot suffering from amnesia and forced him to go on national television pretending to be Clark Kent so he and Superman could be in the same room at the same time.

Uh…you know we know what “Clark” looks like, right?

Don’t worry. Superman totally gave the guy his memory back…by making him dizzy?

Thank you for your service.

He’s also employed other cunning ruses involving rubber masks, dummies, and “super-ventriloquism” over the years before somehow getting smart enough to build life-like super-powered duplicates of himself programmed to call him “master.”

We know right from wrong! But do not recognize the irony of calling you “Master,” Master! Also, no one say anything about the naked robot.

Did I mention he keeps his robots in his closet?

a) I'd kill for this much closet space. b) I don't need to point out the closeted metaphor, right?

a) I’d kill for this much closet space. b) I don’t need to point out the metaphor, do I?

Also, they were self-aware, sentient beings with with wants and needs.

Uh…maybe lock the bathroom door next time, Superman-T.

They can also do neat robot tricks.

Fully posable!

Even if they do have a few design flaws…

Bit of an over-reaction, don't you think, "Clark?"

Speak American, Superman!

Superman also made a bunch of weird ones that obviously aren’t him and are thus useless in protecting his secret identity.

These guys are HIGHLY collectable.

He also told all the people most likely to guess who he is about the existence of these robots, thus further defeating their alleged purpose in helping keep his identity secret.

Spoiler alert: he’s not dead.

It’s almost as if he’s not really trying that hard to protect his secret identity after all.

Really? You're going with yellow for the bedroom?

Really? You “forgot” that painters are redecorating your rooms? Also, you’re going with yellow for the bedroom?

Could it be Superman’s public insistence on using his robot slaves to protect his identity is yet another elaborate lie designed to misdirect us from the truth that he is amassing a robot army with which to enslave the world?

I know he has a saviour complex but the Super-Pope hat is a bit much.

I know what you’re thinking: if Superman wanted to enslave the world he could. And sure, he probably could. But in order to rule, he’d need governors in every country to carry out his will. Who better than robot slaves made in your own narcissistic image, incapable of rising up against you?

The Burger King lining on the cape is a nice touch.

Luckily for us, fate has thwarted Superman’s plans.

Superman Robot kick line!

Pollution, overpopulation, and man-made radiation have…uh…somehow rendered the Superman robots inoperable. Thanks, Obama.

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?

I Was A Gorilla Newshound

March 23, 2016 by Jimmy Olsen

Investigative journalism is not without its risks. Aside from the low pay and dwindling ad rates it is not uncommon for a reporter to switch consciousness with a gorilla.

I have “typing with gorilla fingers” on my resume under “special skills.”

I know what you’re thinking: “But Jimmy, switching consciousness with a gorilla sounds like a very unusual occurrence.” Oh, yeah? Then why has it happened to me not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES???

Sometimes I can talk when I’m a gorilla, other times not so much. There’s no internal logic to my life.

The first time I switched bodies with a gorilla I was doing a fluff piece on a crackpot inventor. I do these a lot and never take the crackpots seriously despite the fact that I always let them experiment on me and ALWAYS end up with some kind of super power or life threatening condition for a day or two.

Case in point…

This is totally how science works.

And wouldn’t you know it…

You don't want to know what that gorilla did to my suit while he was in my body.

No amount of dry cleaning would fix what that gorilla did to my suit while he was in my body.

So what did I do? Well, naturally I consulted all the genius super-scientists I’ve met over the years to find a solution to the problem.

Nah. Just kidding. I put on some ill-fitting clothes and went to work. A gorilla’s gotta eat (a lot) and I can’t afford to take a day off (unlike definitely not off on the planet Apokolips fighting Darkseid “Clark”).

“Nice monkey suit.” – Something no one had the balls to say to me for fear of having their arms ripped off

Yes, my coworkers did freak out at first but it took a surprisingly short amount of time to convince them not to have me shot and killed as a public menace.

I guess my name is “Bonzo” now even though I’m still the same person on the inside.

Science isn’t the only way you can “Vice Versa” with a gorilla. Magic rings will do the trick too! Like the time I switched bodies with Congorilla!

Getting punched by a kangaroo is optional.

Or like that other time I switched bodies with Congorilla!

I hope those bad guys don’t hear me pooping!

There are probably other ways to switch bodies with a gorilla (i.e. brain transplant) but so far I’ve only had to deal with crackpot science and magic rings.

It always seems to work out in the end though and I’ve been able to return to my human form.

Sadly, “Bonzo” did not kill my boss.

But every reporter knows it’s only a matter of time before they get stuck in an ape’s body forever and somewhere out there is a gorilla’s brain with their name on it.

That’s me on the left. Also, on the right.

Lois Lane’s Glass Ceiling

March 15, 2016 by Jimmy Olsen

“After all, Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did. She just did it backwards and in high heels.”

– Ann Richards

Let’s talk about my friend Lois Lane. Well, friend may be pushing it. She’s someone I work with who terrifies me. Why is she terrifying? Maybe it has something to do with the fact that she broke the glass ceiling in a man’s world and is constantly being punished for it by her friends, colleagues, and her a-hole boyfriend who doesn’t trust her enough to give her a Secret Signal Watch or tell her his “secret” identity (psst! I’m talking about Superman).

Let’s get one thing straight from the start: Lois Lane is a damn fine reporter.

Also, mad typing skillz.

Not only is she fearless, intrepid…

Breaking and entering!

…and ethical…

Lois Lane Honest Reporter from the Daily Planet. You can trust her.

This was during her Jackie O. phase.

…but she also can’t be intimidated by the most powerful being on the planet…

And then she picked up the phone and hit Perry in the face with it.

…and she managed to win a Pulitzer Prize despite Perry White constantly throwing all kinds of sexist assignments at her.

Remind me to tell you about that globe sometimes (SPOILER ALERT: it spins).

Not to mention the fact that she has to put up with “Clark’s” sexual harassment.

“But I’m a ‘nice’ guy!”

Constant sexual harassment.

golden_age_superman_09_stor

CONSTANT.

Way to wear her down, “Clark!”

This is all to say she’s the best journalist I know. She has to be. “Clark” may be able to take as many “sick” days that correspond to Superman’s outer space trips as he likes but Lois is held to a different standard, a standard that demands she be “slender” and “pretty” in addition to brilliant and competent but will still always label her a “girl reporter” no matter how good she is.

Take, for example, the time a magician claiming to be Circe, the ancient witch of Greek mythology, drugged Lois and hypnotized her into thinking her head had transformed into that of a giant cat.

This type of stuff happens more often than you’d think in our line of work.

Oh, sure. Maybe she over-reacted by having a giant lead-lined aluminum box built to hide her imagined giant cat head and retreating from all human interaction but did she deserve what came next?

lois-lane-75th-anniversary-post-final_html_62b515fb

After Superman broke into her house, read her personal diary, and discovered what had happened, did he go to her and tell her? Of course not. First off, he lies to her in his patented Superman fashion…

Silly Lois. Believing in a FEMALE astronaught.

Silly Lois. Believing that “female space pilot” stuff! Ha ha!

Then he throws two buzz saws at her head.

Yeah. You check on that “hunch,” Superman!

I think that bears repeating. HE THREW TWO BUZZ SAWS AT HER HEAD. And that’s not even the most insensitive thing he did that day.

Hey, guys. Let’s stand around and talk about Lois’s psychological problems like she’s not here.

He also had the Kryptonian balls to pull this stunt later that night…

Yes, Superman goes to restaurants.

Let’s get one thing straight, “snooping” and being “curious” is Lois Lane’s GODDAMN JOB. There’s no lesson to be taught. She was drugged and psychologically tortured while trying to unmask a psychic fraud. Do you know how dangerous psychics are, Superman? They prey upon people suffering from tragedies for profit.

Also, remember how you BROKE INTO LOIS’S HOUSE AND READ HER DIARY THAT DAY??? Snoop.

Never mind that you wanted to perform plastic surgery on her with your “super sensitive” hands.

To sum up: Lois is great, “Clark” is a creep, Superman’s a hypocrite, and Perry White is a raging misogynist.

Also, Superman stuck Lois with the check at that restaurant. There’s no room for wallets in that outfit.

Lies Superman Told Me

November 19, 2015 by Jimmy Olsen

We all lie. Sometimes out of empathy, other times vanity or shame. Not all lies are necessarily sinister but when your best friend lies to you ALL THE TIME maybe you should consider if they’re really a friend…

One of Superman’s hilarious psychological pranks!

Last time, I suggested Superman may have been lying when he said I was once his babysitter on Krypton but didn’t remember it because I’d lost my memory when traveling back to my own time and planet. What reason would I have to doubt Superman’s veracity? He’s my best friend, right?

jimmymeetssm

The problem is over the years I’ve discovered Superman lies. A lot.

Foam rubber is super convincing.

Often he lies because he’s fighting a mind reader and can’t trust my super-weak brain not to have my thoughts read. More often, he just doesn’t trust my acting ability and doesn’t let me in on his plan so that I will perform realistically.

No, really. Rubber masks really are super-realistic.

No, really. Rubber masks are very effective disguises.

Sometimes he will lie to teach me a “lesson.” Like the time I lost my voice and some hunters mistook me for a “Jungle Boy” and “Clark” pretended not to recognize me.

Sure did learn my lesson about shirking guard duty that day!

Other times, the reasons are less clear. One time, he, Lois, Perry White and everyone in my life got together and acted like they didn’t know me.

These people are supposed to be my friends.

That’s right. THEY PRETENDED LIKE I DIDN’T EXIST.

It’s like “It’s A Wonderful Life” but without me wishing I never existed and with lying instead of magic.

Why would my friends psychologically torture me? FOR MY OWN GOOD, OF COURSE.

Hopefully, we don't drive him insane.

By far Superman’s biggest and most dangerous lie is his secret identity. He lies about who he is to the entire world. He claims it’s to protect his loved ones, which makes sense. If his enemies knew who he was they could go after his friends and family. So why not tell your friends and family said secret identity? He uses the same argument: it’s for our safety.

Whatever you say, Superman! You know best!

Here’s the thing though: I’m already a target. The entire world knows me as Superman’s “Best Boy Pal.” Lois Lane is allegedly his girlfriend of sorts. The world knows this. Bad guys know this. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been kidnapped, attached, brainwashed, or given a computer brain by Superman’s nemeses.

Say what you want about Brainiac but he is WORKING those short shorts!

In fact, he would rather put my life in jeopardy with his lies than have me know who he is. Like that time he made me think I could fly with magic wings.

Superbreath is supergross.

Or that time he made me think I could breathe under water.

You’re right. This is much easier than letting me know who you are.

“Okay, thanks for giving me the bends, a-hole.”

Oh, sure, he recently told me who he really was after seventy-five years (I pretended like I didn’t already know).

How long before this gets erased from my memory?

Why the secrecy? Here I can only speculate but I can tell you the thought that’s popped up in my head more than once over the years, the thought that I’ve told myself couldn’t possibly be true: He’s not my friend. He doesn’t trust me. I’m actually a decoy. Just like Batman dressing up his teenage partner is bright red and yellow to jump around rooftops on school nights, I am there to distract criminals from going after whoever Superman really cares for.

Time for a new Robin, I guess.

It makes a disturbing amount of sense and would explain why he might seek out an unworldly, naïve teenager with no family or friends and tell him an amazing story about how said teen saved his life when he was a baby and he was going to reward him with his friendship. It would also explain why he wants to keep me alive. If I get killed, he’ll have to find a replacement.

Then again, he’d still have Lois.

I Get Fired A Lot

November 4, 2015 by Jimmy Olsen

It’s weird seeing yourself portrayed on a fictional television show. Not getting-fire-breath-after-drinking-a-science-potion weird (happens more than you’d think) but, you know, weird nonetheless.

Anyone want a hamburger? I cooked them with my breath!

Anyone want a hamburger? I cooked it with my breath!

For example, this week’s episode of “Supergirl” featured a storyline where Mehcad Brooks’ Jimmy Olsen is in danger of getting fired from his job at CatCo for failing to use his Superman “bro hang” connection to get an exclusive interview with Supergirl, causing Mehcad-Jimmy to have Big Thoughts about Life and his place in it.

WHY IS LIFE SO HARD???

Now my job at the Daily Planet has been in jeopardy plenty of times. In fact, I’m almost perpetually in a state of being threatened with being fired, actually getting fired, being rehired, getting fired again, or quitting to join the circus (no really, I’ve joined the circus more times than anyone I know).

See?

One time I grew four extra arms and my union rep told Perry White he needed pay me for doing the work of three people or let me go. Can you guess what Perry decided on?

Unions, am I right?

Another time I got fired for dealing out some sick burns to that big old jerk Superman. Totally worth it.

Ha ha! Suck it, Snooperman!

I told them I was under the influence of an alien emotion opposting crystal life form.

I told them I was under the influence of an alien emotion oppostite-ing crystal life form.

Another time I got changed into a Human Porcupine and this mildly irritated my boss.

That photo was SUPER important, folks.

What did I do about it? Joined the mother-f***ing circus, of course!

It used to be a viable career…like the news.

My point is, the reasons I get fired are super-duper awesome. Not totally lame like not using my connections to book an interview. Even if that did happen, I certainly wouldn’t have an existential crisis about the whole thing. I’d quit in protest and then dress up like a woman and Tootsie my old job back!

Yeah! Everyone’s hiring girls over men! Also, they love being called girls!

Oh, sure, Mehcad-Jimmy’s crisis fit in nicely with the episode’s themes about friendship and Mehcad-Jimmy’s speech about living in Superman’s shadow gave me ALL THE FEELS (is it still a thing to say “all the feels”?) but couldn’t the creators have Jimmy accidentally drink a magic potion and become a giant animal of some kind and have THAT be the reason why his job was in jeopardy? Or remove Cat’s teeth with a radioactive camera like I did with Perry White that one time?

Oops!

I know it’s early on in the series but I’m getting the vibe the writers aren’t going to draw upon my vast history of amazing adventures and are only using me to be a super cool, sexy love interest who looks great even though he doesn’t wear bow ties or sweater vests. Also, I don’t believe Mehcad eats pizza.

The rest of the episode was good. Except when is Streaky the Supercat going to show up???? It’s episode 2 already!

I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

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Tag Archives: Perry White

Superman’s Robot Slaves

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I Was A Gorilla Newshound

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Lois Lane’s Glass Ceiling

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Lies Superman Told Me

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I Get Fired A Lot

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